Dear New Undergrads:

So here's the deal.

I sit in the lab for two hours every week and help you guys not just because it's my job, but out of the goodness of my heart. Particularly when my two hour shift is five minutes from done, and you're in the course I'm not actually supposed to have anything to do with.

So at least when you're going to pester me for help, give me some time to switch gears and understand what the hell you're talking about, don't cut me off when I'm talking, try to pretend you've passed math before (sometime after Grade 8 would be ideal, but I'll take Grade 6 or 7 if I have to), don't expect me to do your fucking homework for you, and do not threaten to complain about my tone of voice to the office, just because I ended up talking to you like the incompetent you surely will grow up to be.

Take my word on this, I sure as fuck am on better terms with anybody in the office than you are. Feel free to go there and bitch and complain and make their life a misery, but remember that I invited them to come out to the party and fed them pizza and beer. We made sure they got chocolates (the good ones, not that drugstore shit) at Christmas. I pitch in money when they're fundraising. I know them all by name.

Don't even try it. I will fuck you up, and it will be a hell of a lot more effort on your part than doing the fucking assignment in the first place would be. Trust me on this - your piddly assignment took me all of 10 minutes to do last week as an example for my own students ... while I was helping others (those being your far more respectful, personable, intelligent peers) out.

Grad students are people too,

Leanne